Silly one-liners and jokes (clean, of course)

**gma2rjc** · 08-06-2010, 02:14 PM

A magician was driving down the road... then he turned into a driveway.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Two peanuts walk into an alley. One was a salted.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

A french fry walks into a bar and says, "Hey, can I get a Pepsi?" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve food here".

A mushroom walks into a bar and says, "Hey, could I get a Pepsi please?" The bartender looks at him, shaking his head and says, "No. We don't serve food here". The mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi?!"

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening, she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor" he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Miller turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, honey."

1. Why don't aliens eat clowns? (answers are in the next post)

2. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

3. There are 2 cowboys in a kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

4. Where do you find a one legged dog?

5. What's pink and fluffy?

6. What's blue and fluffy?

7. What do you call a sheep with no legs?

8. What do cows do for entertainment?

9. How do you stop a fish from smelling?

10. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

11. What is invisible and smells like carrots?

12. Why was the Energizer bunny arrested?

13. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Barb

**gma2rjc** · 08-06-2010, 02:15 PM

Answers

1. Because they taste funny.

2. fsh

3. The one on the range.

4. Where you left it.

5. Pink fluff

6. Pink fluff holding it's breath

7. A cloud

8. They rent mooovies.

9. Cut its nose off.

10. I have no I-deer.

11. Rabbit farts

12. He was charged with battery.

13. Because they have big nostrils.

Angela · 08-06-2010, 02:22 PM

Gorillas have big nostrils because they have big fingers....
Silly Barb.....

I knew the answers to a few of those! The fish with no eye works better in person... Parents: tell your kids that one!

Fun thread Barb! Thanks!

downrightart · 08-06-2010, 03:29 PM

When you are stranded with a bad car battery, call a powerlineman.

downrightart · 08-08-2010, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downrightart

When you are stranded with a bad car battery, call a powerlineman.

Did I kill the thread???? Yes, there was more to the story and I'll try and keep this "one-liner" clean...true story.

So, Friday I'm stranded at the gas pump when my truck wouldn't crank after filling up. It sounded like a dead battery to me. It's 12:30pm and I'm in the middle lane of 3 lanes of pumps....3 to each lane.

I call the Ford place and the guy was nice and said he would send a mechanic from a small John Doe's shop down the road. It was about 15 minutes in when I called the Boss, my husband, to tell him I'm stranded and what I did. He says to call him back in 10 minutes.

The gas station is pretty busy on a Friday and not the first person looked my way. I guess it was normal to have someone sit in the middle lane for 30 minutes.

I call the Boss back. He says he is on his way and did I have jumper cables and I said, "Yep, I have them out. Just sitting here." Another thirty minutes and he shows up. Cables in my hand with the hood up. He steps out of the bucket truck that is infront of my truck, smiles and puts up his hood.

I walk up to him and say, "Hi handsome. Can I get a jump start?" He grins and winks. And as he is getting the cables up I'm continuing my flirting routine. When we get it started and he is about to leave I say, "Hey, wanna date tonight? I'll make it worth your while handsome." He again grins, looks around and we have everyone looking at me now! He reaches for me and gives me a huge kiss and says, "It's a date."

I finally turn and realize I finally get every bystanders attention!

I told him later, "We should take this act on the road dear." Heh.

(Hope it was clean enough Barb!!!)

Angela · 08-08-2010, 10:31 AM

Well, now that one-liner makes sense!
That's funny Tracy.

downrightart · 08-08-2010, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, now that one-liner makes sense!
That's funny Tracy.

I realized that I hit the submit button. I intended to finish it, but once again got sidetracked! When I saw it this morning, I laughed when no one had responded or even asked! Too funny.

pinokeeo · 08-08-2010, 09:28 PM

Well, that's one way to get attention. What a hoot!

**gma2rjc** · 08-08-2010, 09:46 PM

That is funny! And soooo sweet!

Yea, I didn't get the one-liner, but didn't dare ask. There are a lot of things that go right over my head lately. I figured I was the only one who didn't understand.

It would be fun to know what people were thinking as they watched you two.

Barb

auxi · 08-08-2010, 11:04 PM

Oh, how sweet! Love the story!